I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
