Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
