She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You dont lie about slip and slides
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
