haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
