im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
