I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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