This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
