Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I wear drunk well.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize