Got a toothbrush?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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