oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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