pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
