The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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