my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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