i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize