the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
