In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
