the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
