I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
