I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
