Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
