i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
