Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
