It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
