I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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