we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
