You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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