I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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