I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize