that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
