you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
