I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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