soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
