hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
