I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
