Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
