mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
is wine microwaveable?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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