I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
