So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
