The maid of honor just puked.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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