She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We got so high we made milksteak
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize