You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You pole danced in your parka.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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