I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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