): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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