Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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