When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
