youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
