i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
