last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
