It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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