Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
