If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
