she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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