Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
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