oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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