You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
