Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
