My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
