I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
