she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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