you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
