He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
