Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
