um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
