I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
