Soap is not a condiment
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
