my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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