you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
