____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just tell him i said nine months
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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