i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
